Ban Plastic Straws

By Kathryn Ramen, Northeast Rose City

We all know that Rose City is already one of the most environmentally-conscious cities in America. Rose City is one of the leaders in sustainable living, with the implementation of city-wide composting, the popularity of bike transit and an abundance of organic and locally-sourced food options. However, I think Rose City has both the capacity and community engagement to do more.

Emerald City recently banned the use of plastic straws in restaurants, bars and cafes. According to the National Parks Service, Americans use 500 million plastic straws each day. Most of these straws end up in our oceans, where they injure and kill marine life. As plastic slowly breaks down into smaller pieces it gets ingested by ocean species and accumulates in marine food chains. Like Emerald City, Rose City has an opportunity to be a model city for environmentally-conscious living. A ban on plastic straws would encourage sustainable practices and cut down on unnecessary waste. In their place, biodegradable alternatives such as paper straws could be provided to establishment patrons and customers could be encouraged to bring their own reusable straws.

Some local businesses have already moved away from using plastic straws, and I applaud their choice. Let’s keep Rose City at the vanguard of environmental protection by eliminating plastic straw waste.

Happy Apathy Day!

By Snarky McSnarkmaster

Heroes and Heroines,

It is that time of year to celebrate our Nation’s sense of apathy. That’s right! It’s Day. All real-life superheroes don their special outfits with care in hopes of catching that special criminal that will make them famous. The ancient holy Watchmen scriptures discussed in great detail how one tragic event changed the life-course of Walter Joseph Kovacs (a well-adjusted seamstress). After reading about Kitty Genovese in a newspaper (which totally didn’t exaggerate the story for profit), Mr. Kovacs stole several reams of fabric to create the very outfit he uses to fight crime.

The Holy Watchmen scriptures were divinely inspired by Alan Moore, famed writer, and wizard. Mr. Moore wrote Watchmen as the living word and life guide. He was truly moved by the Holy Spirit of Doctor Osterman. In fact, Mr. Moore enjoys answering questions about how every comic character is divinely inspired rather than created by men.

Real Life Superheroes everywhere celebrates Walter Kovacs’ act of righteous indignation by roaming the streets to fight apathy. Everyone who is not an RLSH in America has apathy. This is why it is important to spread the Good News vigilantism. The Bystander Effect is very real in American and needs to be brought to light by black-clad costumed crusaders looking for a fight.

So don your green bandanas and cowboy hats and get out there on the streets, heroes. Apathy is the reason for the season

How to join the SSSM

By Pepper Gold

Pepper Gold is the first crime-fighting superhero in the world. He is also the leader of the Superhero Squad of Superheroes Movement in Emerald City.

IM NOT SURE HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW THE RANKING SYSTEM OF THE SSSM.

BUT WHEN YOU FIRST JOIN YOU ARE NAMED ( insert favorite color and your last name is OfEmeraldCity) THESE ROOKIES ARE NOT
ALLOWED TO CARRY WEAPONS OR DIRECTLY INTERACT WITH VIOLENT SUSPECTS.

THIS WHOLE PROCESS CAN TAKE MONTHS.

WE LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH YOU AND WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO THE TEAM.

NOW SOMETHING I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER DO.

TO BECOME A FULL MEMBER OF THE SUPERHERO SQUAD OF SUPERHEROES MOVEMENT YOU MUST.

COMPLETE ALL COLOR REQUIREMENTS LISTED ABOVE.

YOU MUST BE ABLE TO RUN 2.6 MILES IN FULL GEAR IN UNDER. 25min

YOU MUST HAVE PATROLLED WITH US FOR A YEAR OR 100 PATROLS.

YOU MUST NOT HAVE BEEN A MEMBER OF ANY OTHER SUPERHERO GROUP NOT IN GOOD STANDING WITH THE SSSM.

YOU MUST SAY 50 HAIL PEPPER GOLD’S

YOU MUST PAY PEPPER GOLD A DEPOSIT OF $250 DOLLARS.

YOU MUST BE A HOT CHICK OR A UGLY GUY.

AFTER A LONG DELIBERATION, THE VOTE WAS UNANIMOUS NOT TO CHANGE THE RULE ABOUT NOT LETTING FORMER MEMBERS OF OTHER SUPERHERO GROUPS GAIN FULL SSSM SATUS ( you can’t be fired from our group with out a unanimous vote and you get a vote in all team related matters )

PEPPER GOLD

Pepper to RLSH: You’re Fat

By Pepper Gold

As of today Pepper Gold has disbanded the Superhero Squad of Superheroes. While Gold is not entirely forthcoming as to his reasons for dissolving the group, he did provide some details. Please note: when Pepper Gold writes, he does so in all capital letters (just like the text in a comic book.)

I STARTED FIGHTING CRIME YEARS AGO AND GOTTEN A LOT OF MEDIA ATTENTION. I REALLY THOUGHT THAT HAVING A LARGE GROUP OF CIVILIAN CRIME FIGHTERS WOULD LOOK GOOD FOR MY IMAGE.

I WAS WRONG,

IT TAKES A CERTAIN TYPE OF PERSON TO DO THIS JOB CORRECTLY AND UNFORTUNATELY ALL I SEEM TO ATTRACT ARE FATTIES WITH WHITE KNIGHT COMPLEXES. AS OF TODAY THE SUPERHERO SQUAD OF SUPERHEROES IS OVER. I WILL BE PATROLLING SOLO / WITH RLSH I TRUST.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW BY DOING THIS IM LOSING TEAM DUES. I HAVE BANKED SOME CASH CHARGING PEOPLE BUT IF IM GOING TO CALL MYSELF A SUPER HERO I MUST HOLD MYSELF TO HANG WITH A HIGHER CLASS OF PEOPLE.

I WILL NOT GO INTO TO MANY DETAILS BUT I FEEL YOU DESERVE A FEW REASON WHY WE CAN NO LONGER WORK TOGETHER. CERTAIN MEMBERS CAN NOT

-RUN 2.5 MILES IN 30 MIN.

-OR DO FIVE PULL UPS.

-OR 25 SIT UPS IN 2 MIN

OR BELIEVE IT IS OK TO CARRY ILLEGAL WEAPONS.

OR WANT TO PATROL WITH OTHER “SUPERHEROES” THAT HAVE A TRACK RECORD OF MAKING BAD CHOICES THAT ARE POTENTIAL DANGEROUS.

I LOVE BEING A SUPERHERO AND I BELIEVE THERE IS A CERTAIN LEVEL OF PROFESSIONALISM THAT GOES WITH THAT. I CAN’T LOOK LIKE A PIKER TO THE CAMERAS. WHEN I OR ANY MEMBER OF THE SHSSH SHOW UP TO HELP YOU. I WANT YOU TO KNOW WE HAVE FIRST AID CPR TRAINING, WE HAVE TAKING BLOOD BORNE PATHOGENS TRAINING AND THAT WE WILL ONLY WORK WITH OTHERS WHO ARE EQUALLY PHYSICALLY AND MEDICALLY TRAINED.

IM SORRY IF I LET ANYONE DOWN I WILL CONTINUE TO PATROL AND HELP PEOPLE. MY APOLOGY SHOULD BE A SIGN THAT IM HUMBLE.

I JUST CAN’T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE CONTINUE TO PUT MY SEAL OF APPROVE ON PEOPLE I FEEL ARE NOT LOYAL OR PROPERLY TRAINED.

AS ALWAYS BE SAFE MAKE GOOD CHOICES AND I’LL SEE YOU IN THE STREETS. DONT FORGET TO FUND MY NEXT FUNDRAISER. I NEED SOME NEW SHOES.

PEPPER GOLD

Pepper Gold to RLSH: YOU SUCK!

By Pepper Gold

“I HAVE THREE THINGS TO THE RLSH COMMUNITY!

1. I AM NOT A PART OF YOUR GROUP OR TEAM IN ANY WAY. I AM A MASKED ADVENTURER NOT AN RLSH. MY TEAM AND I STOP CRIMINALS AS A TOP PRIORITY AND DO CHARITY SECOND.

2. I AM NOT A BETTER PERSON THEN YOU BUT I AM A BETTER SUPERHERO THEN YOU. SUPERHEROES STOP CRIME MY TEAM AND I HAVE CONSISTENTLY STOPPED MORE CRIME THAN ANYONE ELSE. ( please do not argue with this unless you have video or police reports to back it up )

3. I AM THE WORST RLSH EVER BECAUSE MOST RLSH ARE IDEALISTIC AND UNDER PREPARED. SPANDEX AND MOTOCROSS ARMOR IS NOT EFFECTIVE AGAINST KNIVES OR BULLETS. (im the only superhero to have been shot or stabbed and trust me spandex did not help) YOUR GOOD INTENSIONS DO NOT STOP YOU FROM BEING SUED OR ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING THE LAW. YOU NEED TO HAVE LEGAL COUNSEL ON SPEED DAIL AND RETAINER.

LASTLY YOU HAVE TO BE IN DECENT SHAPE TO BE THE MOST EFFECTIVE VERSION OF YOURSELF. CRIMINALS ARE VIOLENT, AGGRESSIVE, AND UNPREDICTABLE YOU MUST BE MORE SKILLED. MATCHING SPEED AND AGGRESSION BUT HAVE THE COMMON SENSE AND COMPASSION NOT TO DO WHAT THEY DO.

IN SHORT I DON’T PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS. IF YOU NEED TIPS ON WHERE TO TRAIN OR FIND GEAR YOU SHOULD REACH OUT TO MONTEREY JACK.

THIS LIFE STYLE IS NOT A JOKE IF YOU SPEND MORE TIME ON RLSH.INFO THEN PATROLLING YOU ARE NOT SUPERHERO TRUST ME. NOT INCLUDING MY TEAM THERE ARE MAYBE TEN REAL SUPERHEROS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

NO COMIC BOOK HAS SATANMAN THROWING OUT SANDWICHES. I KNOW WHAT IS PROVABLE AND MOST RLSH DO GRANOLA BARS AND NON PERISHABLES NOT SANDWICHES

-PEPPER GOLD A.K.A. THE GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER!I HAVE THREE THINGS TO THE RLSH COMMUNITY!

1. I AM NOT A PART OF YOUR GROUP OR TEAM IN ANY WAY. I AM A MASKED ADVENTURER NOT AN RLSH. MY TEAM AND I STOP CRIMINALS AS A TOP PRIORITY AND DO CHARITY SECOND.

2. I AM NOT A BETTER PERSON THEN YOU BUT I AM A BETTER SUPERHERO THEN YOU. SUPERHEROES STOP CRIME MY TEAM AND I HAVE CONSISTENTLY STOPPED MORE CRIME THAN ANYONE ELSE. ( please do not argue with this unless you have video or police reports to back it up )

3. I AM THE WORST RLSH EVER BECAUSE MOST RLSH ARE IDEALISTIC AND UNDER PREPARED. SPANDEX AND MOTOCROSS ARMOR IS NOT EFFECTIVE AGAINST KNIVES OR BULLETS. (im the only superhero to have been shot or stabbed and trust me spandex did not help) YOUR GOOD INTENSIONS DO NOT STOP YOU FROM BEING SUED OR ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING THE LAW. YOU NEED TO HAVE LEGAL COUNSEL ON SPEED DAIL AND RETAINER.

LASTLY YOU HAVE TO BE IN DECENT SHAPE TO BE THE MOST EFFECTIVE VERSION OF YOURSELF. CRIMINALS ARE VIOLENT, AGGRESSIVE, AND UNPREDICTABLE YOU MUST BE MORE SKILLED. MATCHING SPEED AND AGGRESSION BUT HAVE THE COMMON SENSE AND COMPASSION NOT TO DO WHAT THEY DO.

IN SHORT I DON’T PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS. IF YOU NEED TIPS ON WHERE TO TRAIN OR FIND GEAR YOU SHOULD REACH OUT TO MONTEREY JACK.

THIS LIFE STYLE IS NOT A JOKE IF YOU SPEND MORE TIME ON RLSH.INFO THEN PATROLLING YOU ARE NOT SUPERHERO TRUST ME. NOT INCLUDING MY TEAM THERE ARE MAYBE TEN REAL SUPERHEROS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

NO COMIC BOOK HAS SATANMAN THROWING OUT SANDWICHES. I KNOW WHAT IS PROVABLE AND MOST RLSH DO GRANOLA BARS AND NON PERISHABLES NOT SANDWICHES

-PEPPER GOLD A.K.A. THE GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER!

No More Superheroes

By Zetaman

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am officially disbanding the Alternates team. I am very sad to do this. Due to current personality and moral conflicts, the Alternates team cannot function as a team. I accept full responsibility for the failure on my part to continue on. I no longer have the will or desire to seek out RLSH in the northwest area.

To the former Alternates team, good luck in the decisions you are making and will make in your life. I hope good things happen to you.

-Zetaman of Rose City

For more information about Real Life Superheroes, please visit reallifesuperheroes.info.