Outlaw sworn in as police chief

ROSE CITY – Danielle Outlaw has been sworn in as chief of the Rose City Police Bureau.

Outlaw is the third woman, and first black woman, to become chief of police in Rose City.

Rose City Mayor Ted Wheeler hired Outlaw this summer following a national search. Wheeler said he and Outlaw are both dedicated to increasing diversity and embracing equality.

Outlaw was sworn in Monday by city auditor Mary Hull Caballero during a private ceremony at the Justice Center in downtown Rose City.

Outlaw was most recently a deputy chief for the Oakland Police Department.

Self-service gas bill heads to capital

By Gordon T. Fisherman

CHERRY CITY- A bill to allow self-service gas in several rural counties will land on the governor’s desk after passing the state Senate Tuesday.

The bill allows people to pump their own gas at all hours in Malheur, Union, Wasco, Hood River, Jefferson, Crook, Baker, Morrow, Lake, Grant, Harney, Wallowa, Gilliam, Sherman, and Wheeler counties. Drivers in Tillamook, Curry and Clatsop counties would be allowed self-service fueling between 6 p.m. and 6 a.m.

Gas stations with convenience stores would still have to offer full-service fueling during business hours.

The bill passed 26-1, with Senate Majority Leader Ginny Burdick, D-Portland, the only “no” vote. — Gordon T. Fisherman

Explosion by Hawthorne vaporizes building

An explosion erupted at on 20th and SE Madison in Southeast Rose City Saturday afternoon, vaporizing a corner office building. A loud explosion shook nearby buildings about 3:15 p.m. Two people had minor injuries and were treated at the scene, a firefighter said.

The area was closed between Hawthorne Blvd and Main, the Rose City Bureau of Transportation said. 19th to 23rd AVE. were also closed.

All roads had reopened shortly after 5 p.m., but delays may continue, transportation officials said.
Fire officials have no indication that any fire codes were violated.

Hazmat hit by Hazmat truck

By Milla Meowmix

CHERRY CITY– Local hero and corn chip enthusiast, Hazmat, was hit and killed by a Hazardous Materials truck Monday while jaywalking.

The accident happened around 10:30 a.m. near SE Ferry St. and NE Liberty St.

Hazmat died at the scene, police said in a news release. The semi-truck driver stayed at the scene and cooperated with investigators.

Hazmat is one half of the Cherry City Costume Crusaders. His partner, The Rev, could not be reached at the time of the accident.

Hazmat is survived by his wife, Nightingale, and their son, Oxidizer 5.1.

The semi-truck driver stayed at the scene and cooperated with investigators.

Brewery Explosion

By Jim Chimichangas

ROSE CITY – Firefighters were called to Widmer Brothers Brewery Thursday night after reports of a major explosion.

It happened just before 10:30 p.m. at the brewing facility located at 929 on N Russell near Interstate Ave.

Crews arrived to find an experimental beer tank had exploded, which tore open part of an outer wall of the building.

Several people were hurt in the accident and some were horribly mutated by the craft beer. Investigators haven’t said yet what may have caused the explosion. Brewery officials did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

Pepper Gold Fights Giant and Wins

By Sheila Teafeathers

ROSE CITY- In a very daring and heroic display of heroism, Pepper Gold fought off a monstrous giant intent on destroying Rose City. “I FOUGHT HIM OFF WITH PEPPER SPRAY,” proclaims the leader of The Super Squad of Superheroes Movement. “IT WAS VERY HARD, BUT THE GIANT RAN AWAY.”

Earlier that day, Pepper Gold held tryouts for potential superheroes to join The Super Squad of Superheroes in a downtown club. The giant interrupted the tryouts. The Rose Cityian ask Pepper Gold if any of the superheroes that tried out made the cut. Pepper Gold said that, “NONE OF THE LOSER SUPERHEROES HAVE THE GUTS NOR THE PHYSICAL POWERS TO JOIN MY TEAM. ALL SUPERHEROES EITHER HATE ME OR ARE SUCKERS.”

When the giant landed, Pepper Gold immediately ran to the epicenter of the landing and delivered what can only be called “A HOLY DISPLAY OF PEPPER POWER!” Afterwards, the giant was found comatose in Oxhead Park the next day.

One witness, Pie-man, was quoted to say, “Golly, Pepper Gold is my hero! He clearly was the only REAL superhero that stopped that giant guy. I want to be like him in every way… IN EVERY WAY!.”

The national team of Real Life Superheroes showed up a day later. They decline to comment on the event.

Mysterious Satellite explodes

By Hugo Manning

ROSE CITY- A strange flying ship was seen over Rose City earlier today. The U.S. government claims to have been conducting a test of a new satellite for monitoring extra-terrestrial activity. Rose City’s team of scientific advisers, Science Hero Academy Quintet, were asked about the satellite. “We, the scientist of S.H.A.Q., cannot verify the claims of the U.S. Government,” said noted robotics expert, Doctor Ivan Atomickolov. “We urge our local and state officials to demand better transparency from our national military and the federal government.”

The flying ship later exploded in the stratosphere. Although Dr. Atomick (Atomickolov) cannot explain why a low orbit satellite would be combusted, he offered these explanation-

“The fuel used to power such a satellite must have ignited while the machine approached our atmosphere. A space vehicle descending from space, without proper heat shielding, would burn up. Fire from the satellite’s hull could have reached the fuel source.”

Government officials deny the satellite was to be used for the N.S.A. or spying on foreign allies. The U.N. launched a private investigation. If it is found that the satellite was designed for operations other than space exploration, the U.N. will begin proceedings to charge the United States with privacy crimes.

Local real-life superhero, Zetaman, offered an explanation of the craft’s origin. “It was aliens,” proclaimed Zetaman. “Aliens came down and tried to take over the Earth. The Alternates stopped them for good.”

Doctor Atomick and the White House denounced the RLSH’s claims as “ridiculous” and “the theories of a man seeking attention.”

Zetaman is a Sinner

Zetaman Portrait
God Hates Zetaman

by Pastor Lee Hemen
April 14, 2008

Tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruit of their deeds. (Isaiah 3:10)

In a world where it seems as if evil is rewarded and the ungodly go unpunished those who live godly lives will wonder, “Why do these people seem to prosper when everything I do goes unnoticed?” Yet if we look closely at where this little verse of Isaiah’s is placed we discover that he put it in between the shame and disgrace of Jerusalem and Judah as they staggered from their ungodliness and the wicked. Even the young people and women of that era were living in flagrant ungodliness. Sounds strangely familiar to our day and age where teenagers beat up classmates to get on the Web, and every other protest is lead by some deprived or depraved female wanting to assert her authority or proclivity in our faces.

How should the people of God live? God says, “Tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruits of their deeds.” Cynically someone related, “No good deed goes unpunished.” However, God says it is rewarded if it is done out of righteousness, meaning holy integrity.

Today as I drove to an early morning prayer time, I overheard on the radio that there was a person who took on the persona of a “super hero” in order to handout gloves, coats, and jackets to the homeless living under the bridges of Portland, OR. As they interviewed him, he seemed like an okay guy but the reasoning behind his wearing a superhero disguise, “Zetaman” I believe, and why he desired to do these “good deeds,” smacked of personal self-gratification. He goes armed with an extendable steel baton, pepper spray, and a Taser that delivers 30,000 volts—enough to put a man on the ground. Those tools of the trade are to “defend” himself or people in trouble. He admits being a costumed avenger is addictive after the first taste of parading in public with a “Z” on your chest.

“I couldn’t stop after that,” he says. “I feel great about myself. I’m staying active in the community. And I like comic books, I like great and noble ideas—like He-Man and Spider-Man. And they all have this thing about noble responsibility.” Hmmm… therefore are we to conclude that he did it disguised so that people would only know it was his “superhero” persona that did the deeds and he really did not want any credit? I do not think so.

I am sorry but I found this kind of odd because to me it sounded like selfish guilt wrapped in false humility. If he truly wanted to remain anonymous, why wear a superhero get up, with a mask, and a cape? He is part of a small but growing group of self-proclaimed do-gooders that act out their fantasies of being superheroes while trying to be altruistic.

There are literally millions of “superheroes,” His chosen, that God uses everyday and they never have to go out in disguise to do something gracious for the Lord. And if I remember correctly didn’t Jesus say that if you do it in order to get a personal stroking of any kind, that is the whole reward you receive? I hate those bumper stickers that say, “Do a random act of kindness.” Kindness should never be “random.” It should be God-directed where it brings the most good and glory to the Lord. Therefore child of God never feel sorry because your good deed went unnoticed. God saw it and received the glory for it, if you did it as a means of worshipping Him. Never do something “random,” do it deliberately for His glory as He directs you. You are His superhero!