Pizza Robbers Burgle Local Eateries

Suspect in question

By Beef Wellington

ROSE CITY- Rose City Police are seeking a man and woman suspected of robbing several pizza eateries in the Old Town District.

The latest robbery took place at the Old Town Pizza on NW Davis. around 2:35 p.m. where the couple entered and made off with dozens of pizzas.

The male suspect is described as a man in his early 20s, between 5 feet, 7 inches and to 8 inches, with a medium build, short brown hair, sunglasses, and in a gray steamer suit with a cape. The woman suspect is described as a woman in his early 20s, between 5 feet, 4 inches to 6 inches, with a thin build, black hair, sunglasses, in a black swat vest, and black combat pants and boots.

Anyone with information about these series of robberies is asked to contact Det. William Rail at 503-867-5309, will.rail@rose-city.net; or to contact the Rose City office of the FBI at 503-555-6792. 

No More Superheroes

By Zetaman

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am officially disbanding the Alternates team. I am very sad to do this. Due to current personality and moral conflicts, the Alternates team cannot function as a team. I accept full responsibility for the failure on my part to continue on. I no longer have the will or desire to seek out RLSH in the northwest area.

To the former Alternates team, good luck in the decisions you are making and will make in your life. I hope good things happen to you.

-Zetaman of Rose City

For more information about Real Life Superheroes, please visit reallifesuperheroes.info.

Naked Man stops attempted robbery

A Totally Naked Man
Picture of the man in question

By Bill “The Mouse” Bailey 

ROSE CITY- A naked man stopped a robbery in Downtown Rose City on Friday Night.

An officer first spotted the orange-haired man, without his clothes, running toward a robbery in progress at Pioneer Courthouse Square around 6 pm. The individual stopped a would be the robber, Jason Grumblebum, as he attempted to steal money from a couple at gunpoint.

After the naked man beat down Mr. Grumblebum, he ran off down the street, singing a Laura Branigan song. The officer tried using a stun gun to subdue the naked man but the stun gun malfunction. 

The robber, Mr. Grumble, was taken into custody for the attempted robbery.

This is not the first time a totally naked man was found stopping criminal activity in Rose City. The police have cited the man with disorderly conduct and interfering with a peace officer but have yet to discover the identity of the nude crime stopper. 

Hero Arrested!

ROSE CITY — The man exposed as The Black Knight, Real Life Superhero, has been arrested.

Joshua Stone was booked into the Multnomah County jail Tuesday night. Rose City Police arrested Stone for stalking, which is a misdemeanor crime.

According to prosecutors, the Multnomah County District Attorney’s office decided not to file charges at this time. They can reconsider later.

Stone has been released from jail.

“There was not enough evidence to proceed with the incidents of stalking that were reported to us,” explained Matthew Hall, a deputy district attorney in Multnomah County.

Stone is also trying to change his name. He filed court papers in Yamhill County on Tuesday, requesting that a judge allow him to legally change his name from Joshua Stone to Maxwell P. Gigglebottoms.

A hearing has been scheduled for February 15 to consider the change.

Stone claimed he was a Real Life Superhero; a member of the team, The Alternates. The Alternates released Stone after the arrest and disbanded the team.

The U.S. Department of Defense, in coordination with the Rose City Costumed Crazies Division, are investigating the matter.

Five on Five Information

DJ’s spinning music for sports equipment

Vinyl Fluid Records, along with the Alternates, are producing a concert to benefit the Boys and Girls Club. Five of the Northwest hottest DJ’s will be playing 5 hours of music for an admission price of 5 dollars.

Vinyl Fluid Records, an online music store, is hosting a concert to benefit the Boys and Girls Club. With the help of a local community advocacy group, the Alternates, they will be raising money as well as sporting goods equipment for the youth.

Five of the hottest northwest DJ’s will be spinning five hours of music at the Liquid Lime. Admission price is $5.00. Proceeds will be given to help fund programs and equipment for the Boys and Girls Club. The concert will be also featuring an auction for prizes graciously donated by local businesses. And boxes will be step up to receive donations in the form of sporting goods equipment as well as monetary donations.

About Vinyl Fluid Records – VFR is a small online music store dedicated to the challenge of keeping physical formats of music (i.e. vinyl, cd’s, etc.) alive and obtainable.

About the Alternates- The Alternates are a regional based group of costumed social activists.

Operation Treehouse

Local musicians and costume activist work together as a team in a Christmas mission for foster children.

Kirkland, Washington ( PRWEB) December 13 — Vinyl Fluid Records music store and Zetaman, the hero of Rose City, have organized a charity concert.

Live music will be performed by Little Big Man, Project Lionheart, and other local artists.

Vinyl Fluid Records have procured sponsorship from local business like Valve (a gaming store) and Body Boutique as well as corporate support from restaurants like Claim Jumper and Outback Steak House in the form of gift certificates and other prizes which will be used in a raffle to help raise additional funds. The proceeds from Operation: Treehouse will be used to buy much-needed toys which will then be given to the Treehouse to be distributed to foster kids.

Operation: Treehouse has put together a website with more information at http://www.operationtreehouse.info. Contact information, as well as information about the event, is located there.

For more information about the event, please contact Shawn “Story” Hendricks at email: storywon@msn.com or Zetaman at email: zetaman@thealternates.org

Mysterious Satellite explodes

By Hugo Manning

ROSE CITY- A strange flying ship was seen over Rose City earlier today. The U.S. government claims to have been conducting a test of a new satellite for monitoring extra-terrestrial activity. Rose City’s team of scientific advisers, Science Hero Academy Quintet, were asked about the satellite. “We, the scientist of S.H.A.Q., cannot verify the claims of the U.S. Government,” said noted robotics expert, Doctor Ivan Atomickolov. “We urge our local and state officials to demand better transparency from our national military and the federal government.”

The flying ship later exploded in the stratosphere. Although Dr. Atomick (Atomickolov) cannot explain why a low orbit satellite would be combusted, he offered these explanation-

“The fuel used to power such a satellite must have ignited while the machine approached our atmosphere. A space vehicle descending from space, without proper heat shielding, would burn up. Fire from the satellite’s hull could have reached the fuel source.”

Government officials deny the satellite was to be used for the N.S.A. or spying on foreign allies. The U.N. launched a private investigation. If it is found that the satellite was designed for operations other than space exploration, the U.N. will begin proceedings to charge the United States with privacy crimes.

Local real-life superhero, Zetaman, offered an explanation of the craft’s origin. “It was aliens,” proclaimed Zetaman. “Aliens came down and tried to take over the Earth. The Alternates stopped them for good.”

Doctor Atomick and the White House denounced the RLSH’s claims as “ridiculous” and “the theories of a man seeking attention.”

Zetaman is a Sinner

Zetaman Portrait
God Hates Zetaman

by Pastor Lee Hemen
April 14, 2008

Tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruit of their deeds. (Isaiah 3:10)

In a world where it seems as if evil is rewarded and the ungodly go unpunished those who live godly lives will wonder, “Why do these people seem to prosper when everything I do goes unnoticed?” Yet if we look closely at where this little verse of Isaiah’s is placed we discover that he put it in between the shame and disgrace of Jerusalem and Judah as they staggered from their ungodliness and the wicked. Even the young people and women of that era were living in flagrant ungodliness. Sounds strangely familiar to our day and age where teenagers beat up classmates to get on the Web, and every other protest is lead by some deprived or depraved female wanting to assert her authority or proclivity in our faces.

How should the people of God live? God says, “Tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruits of their deeds.” Cynically someone related, “No good deed goes unpunished.” However, God says it is rewarded if it is done out of righteousness, meaning holy integrity.

Today as I drove to an early morning prayer time, I overheard on the radio that there was a person who took on the persona of a “super hero” in order to handout gloves, coats, and jackets to the homeless living under the bridges of Portland, OR. As they interviewed him, he seemed like an okay guy but the reasoning behind his wearing a superhero disguise, “Zetaman” I believe, and why he desired to do these “good deeds,” smacked of personal self-gratification. He goes armed with an extendable steel baton, pepper spray, and a Taser that delivers 30,000 volts—enough to put a man on the ground. Those tools of the trade are to “defend” himself or people in trouble. He admits being a costumed avenger is addictive after the first taste of parading in public with a “Z” on your chest.

“I couldn’t stop after that,” he says. “I feel great about myself. I’m staying active in the community. And I like comic books, I like great and noble ideas—like He-Man and Spider-Man. And they all have this thing about noble responsibility.” Hmmm… therefore are we to conclude that he did it disguised so that people would only know it was his “superhero” persona that did the deeds and he really did not want any credit? I do not think so.

I am sorry but I found this kind of odd because to me it sounded like selfish guilt wrapped in false humility. If he truly wanted to remain anonymous, why wear a superhero get up, with a mask, and a cape? He is part of a small but growing group of self-proclaimed do-gooders that act out their fantasies of being superheroes while trying to be altruistic.

There are literally millions of “superheroes,” His chosen, that God uses everyday and they never have to go out in disguise to do something gracious for the Lord. And if I remember correctly didn’t Jesus say that if you do it in order to get a personal stroking of any kind, that is the whole reward you receive? I hate those bumper stickers that say, “Do a random act of kindness.” Kindness should never be “random.” It should be God-directed where it brings the most good and glory to the Lord. Therefore child of God never feel sorry because your good deed went unnoticed. God saw it and received the glory for it, if you did it as a means of worshipping Him. Never do something “random,” do it deliberately for His glory as He directs you. You are His superhero!