Pepper to RLSH: You’re Fat

By Pepper Gold

As of today Pepper Gold has disbanded the Superhero Squad of Superheroes. While Gold is not entirely forthcoming as to his reasons for dissolving the group, he did provide some details. Please note: when Pepper Gold writes, he does so in all capital letters (just like the text in a comic book.)

I STARTED FIGHTING CRIME YEARS AGO AND GOTTEN A LOT OF MEDIA ATTENTION. I REALLY THOUGHT THAT HAVING A LARGE GROUP OF CIVILIAN CRIME FIGHTERS WOULD LOOK GOOD FOR MY IMAGE.

I WAS WRONG,

IT TAKES A CERTAIN TYPE OF PERSON TO DO THIS JOB CORRECTLY AND UNFORTUNATELY ALL I SEEM TO ATTRACT ARE FATTIES WITH WHITE KNIGHT COMPLEXES. AS OF TODAY THE SUPERHERO SQUAD OF SUPERHEROES IS OVER. I WILL BE PATROLLING SOLO / WITH RLSH I TRUST.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW BY DOING THIS IM LOSING TEAM DUES. I HAVE BANKED SOME CASH CHARGING PEOPLE BUT IF IM GOING TO CALL MYSELF A SUPER HERO I MUST HOLD MYSELF TO HANG WITH A HIGHER CLASS OF PEOPLE.

I WILL NOT GO INTO TO MANY DETAILS BUT I FEEL YOU DESERVE A FEW REASON WHY WE CAN NO LONGER WORK TOGETHER. CERTAIN MEMBERS CAN NOT

-RUN 2.5 MILES IN 30 MIN.

-OR DO FIVE PULL UPS.

-OR 25 SIT UPS IN 2 MIN

OR BELIEVE IT IS OK TO CARRY ILLEGAL WEAPONS.

OR WANT TO PATROL WITH OTHER “SUPERHEROES” THAT HAVE A TRACK RECORD OF MAKING BAD CHOICES THAT ARE POTENTIAL DANGEROUS.

I LOVE BEING A SUPERHERO AND I BELIEVE THERE IS A CERTAIN LEVEL OF PROFESSIONALISM THAT GOES WITH THAT. I CAN’T LOOK LIKE A PIKER TO THE CAMERAS. WHEN I OR ANY MEMBER OF THE SHSSH SHOW UP TO HELP YOU. I WANT YOU TO KNOW WE HAVE FIRST AID CPR TRAINING, WE HAVE TAKING BLOOD BORNE PATHOGENS TRAINING AND THAT WE WILL ONLY WORK WITH OTHERS WHO ARE EQUALLY PHYSICALLY AND MEDICALLY TRAINED.

IM SORRY IF I LET ANYONE DOWN I WILL CONTINUE TO PATROL AND HELP PEOPLE. MY APOLOGY SHOULD BE A SIGN THAT IM HUMBLE.

I JUST CAN’T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE CONTINUE TO PUT MY SEAL OF APPROVE ON PEOPLE I FEEL ARE NOT LOYAL OR PROPERLY TRAINED.

AS ALWAYS BE SAFE MAKE GOOD CHOICES AND I’LL SEE YOU IN THE STREETS. DONT FORGET TO FUND MY NEXT FUNDRAISER. I NEED SOME NEW SHOES.

PEPPER GOLD

Pepper Gold to RLSH: YOU SUCK!

By Pepper Gold

“I HAVE THREE THINGS TO THE RLSH COMMUNITY!

1. I AM NOT A PART OF YOUR GROUP OR TEAM IN ANY WAY. I AM A MASKED ADVENTURER NOT AN RLSH. MY TEAM AND I STOP CRIMINALS AS A TOP PRIORITY AND DO CHARITY SECOND.

2. I AM NOT A BETTER PERSON THEN YOU BUT I AM A BETTER SUPERHERO THEN YOU. SUPERHEROES STOP CRIME MY TEAM AND I HAVE CONSISTENTLY STOPPED MORE CRIME THAN ANYONE ELSE. ( please do not argue with this unless you have video or police reports to back it up )

3. I AM THE WORST RLSH EVER BECAUSE MOST RLSH ARE IDEALISTIC AND UNDER PREPARED. SPANDEX AND MOTOCROSS ARMOR IS NOT EFFECTIVE AGAINST KNIVES OR BULLETS. (im the only superhero to have been shot or stabbed and trust me spandex did not help) YOUR GOOD INTENSIONS DO NOT STOP YOU FROM BEING SUED OR ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING THE LAW. YOU NEED TO HAVE LEGAL COUNSEL ON SPEED DAIL AND RETAINER.

LASTLY YOU HAVE TO BE IN DECENT SHAPE TO BE THE MOST EFFECTIVE VERSION OF YOURSELF. CRIMINALS ARE VIOLENT, AGGRESSIVE, AND UNPREDICTABLE YOU MUST BE MORE SKILLED. MATCHING SPEED AND AGGRESSION BUT HAVE THE COMMON SENSE AND COMPASSION NOT TO DO WHAT THEY DO.

IN SHORT I DON’T PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS. IF YOU NEED TIPS ON WHERE TO TRAIN OR FIND GEAR YOU SHOULD REACH OUT TO MONTEREY JACK.

THIS LIFE STYLE IS NOT A JOKE IF YOU SPEND MORE TIME ON RLSH.INFO THEN PATROLLING YOU ARE NOT SUPERHERO TRUST ME. NOT INCLUDING MY TEAM THERE ARE MAYBE TEN REAL SUPERHEROS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

NO COMIC BOOK HAS SATANMAN THROWING OUT SANDWICHES. I KNOW WHAT IS PROVABLE AND MOST RLSH DO GRANOLA BARS AND NON PERISHABLES NOT SANDWICHES

-PEPPER GOLD A.K.A. THE GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER!I HAVE THREE THINGS TO THE RLSH COMMUNITY!

1. I AM NOT A PART OF YOUR GROUP OR TEAM IN ANY WAY. I AM A MASKED ADVENTURER NOT AN RLSH. MY TEAM AND I STOP CRIMINALS AS A TOP PRIORITY AND DO CHARITY SECOND.

2. I AM NOT A BETTER PERSON THEN YOU BUT I AM A BETTER SUPERHERO THEN YOU. SUPERHEROES STOP CRIME MY TEAM AND I HAVE CONSISTENTLY STOPPED MORE CRIME THAN ANYONE ELSE. ( please do not argue with this unless you have video or police reports to back it up )

3. I AM THE WORST RLSH EVER BECAUSE MOST RLSH ARE IDEALISTIC AND UNDER PREPARED. SPANDEX AND MOTOCROSS ARMOR IS NOT EFFECTIVE AGAINST KNIVES OR BULLETS. (im the only superhero to have been shot or stabbed and trust me spandex did not help) YOUR GOOD INTENSIONS DO NOT STOP YOU FROM BEING SUED OR ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING THE LAW. YOU NEED TO HAVE LEGAL COUNSEL ON SPEED DAIL AND RETAINER.

LASTLY YOU HAVE TO BE IN DECENT SHAPE TO BE THE MOST EFFECTIVE VERSION OF YOURSELF. CRIMINALS ARE VIOLENT, AGGRESSIVE, AND UNPREDICTABLE YOU MUST BE MORE SKILLED. MATCHING SPEED AND AGGRESSION BUT HAVE THE COMMON SENSE AND COMPASSION NOT TO DO WHAT THEY DO.

IN SHORT I DON’T PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS. IF YOU NEED TIPS ON WHERE TO TRAIN OR FIND GEAR YOU SHOULD REACH OUT TO MONTEREY JACK.

THIS LIFE STYLE IS NOT A JOKE IF YOU SPEND MORE TIME ON RLSH.INFO THEN PATROLLING YOU ARE NOT SUPERHERO TRUST ME. NOT INCLUDING MY TEAM THERE ARE MAYBE TEN REAL SUPERHEROS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

NO COMIC BOOK HAS SATANMAN THROWING OUT SANDWICHES. I KNOW WHAT IS PROVABLE AND MOST RLSH DO GRANOLA BARS AND NON PERISHABLES NOT SANDWICHES

-PEPPER GOLD A.K.A. THE GREATEST SUPERHERO EVER!

Pepper Gold Fights Giant and Wins

By Sheila Teafeathers

ROSE CITY- In a very daring and heroic display of heroism, Pepper Gold fought off a monstrous giant intent on destroying Rose City. “I FOUGHT HIM OFF WITH PEPPER SPRAY,” proclaims the leader of The Super Squad of Superheroes Movement. “IT WAS VERY HARD, BUT THE GIANT RAN AWAY.”

Earlier that day, Pepper Gold held tryouts for potential superheroes to join The Super Squad of Superheroes in a downtown club. The giant interrupted the tryouts. The Rose Cityian ask Pepper Gold if any of the superheroes that tried out made the cut. Pepper Gold said that, “NONE OF THE LOSER SUPERHEROES HAVE THE GUTS NOR THE PHYSICAL POWERS TO JOIN MY TEAM. ALL SUPERHEROES EITHER HATE ME OR ARE SUCKERS.”

When the giant landed, Pepper Gold immediately ran to the epicenter of the landing and delivered what can only be called “A HOLY DISPLAY OF PEPPER POWER!” Afterwards, the giant was found comatose in Oxhead Park the next day.

One witness, Pie-man, was quoted to say, “Golly, Pepper Gold is my hero! He clearly was the only REAL superhero that stopped that giant guy. I want to be like him in every way… IN EVERY WAY!.”

The national team of Real Life Superheroes showed up a day later. They decline to comment on the event.